Galactic Geeks

It took ten years and 750 million dollars for NASA to not land on Pluto. They flew almost 10,000 miles from the Dwarf Planet. Sorry, they don’t like being called dwarf planets. The proper term is “spherically challenged planet”. Dwarf Star is more of a description for Tom Cruise.

The mission was called New Horizons. It sounds like a brand of margarine. This craft just flew right by Pluto. For $750 million, New Horizons should have landed then built a food court.

$750 million to almost get to an almost planet. With $750 million we could have converted a North Dakota into a mall. $750 million dollars is a week at Disneyland or 17 trips to Whole Foods.

What they found on Pluto:

Plains.  Which include clusters of smooth hills and fields of pits. “Scientists now have a closer look at Pluto’s splotches.”

I’m not a scientist, but I know splotches are in the same family as blotches. These are Ph.D’s using scientific terms like dark splotches.

If you want to discover dark splotches visit a retirement home.

Imagine if NASA found a fly on Pluto. The same thing that lands on poo. It would be the biggest discovery in the history of space exploration. A fly. But we haven’t gotten to that point. We haven’t discovered a fly. The amount of living matter we’ve discovered in space weighs a lot less than a fly.

If there’s life out there you best stay hidden.

The NASA publicists are running out of adjectives for the same things. “This will provide insight into the beginnings of the solar system and raw material for new mysteries that astronomers will ponder for years.”

NASA is constantly rediscovering vagueness.

They are desperate for us to stay connected to the fantasy.  Some genius in PR came up with the idea of a heart shaped ice splotch. Now we spend $750 million to treat a planet like a Rorschach test. The splotch is heart shaped.

We have a heart and Pluto has a heart. Wow. I just got a pee shiver.

 “Vast frozen plains exist next to Pluto's big, rugged mountains sculpted of ice,” NASA wrote.

“Big, rugged and sculpted.” Sounds like they discovered Dwayne Johnson.

"Have a look at the icy frozen plains of Pluto," principal scientist Alan Stern said during a briefing at NASA headquarters.

 

 "Who would have expected this kind of complexity?"

 

A NASA doctor finds ice to be complex. Hey doc, avoid snow, your head will explode.

Space dorks are fascinated by the unlikely chance of life in a vast expanse of lifelessness.

"I'm still having to remind myself to take deep breaths," added Jeff Moore, head of the New Horizons geology team at NASA's Ames Research Center in California. "I mean, the landscape is just astoundingly amazing."

Wow.  The last date this guy had was with a rubrics cube. They’re still together.

It seems they have replaced the lack of romance in their lives with a love for space. Finding the same thing over and over again is the opposite of life. That must be comforting to some people. No social pressures. Just a theoretical existence.

 

At best, the universe we can see is a work in progress. And we are -by far- its finest creation.

Space has no romance. It’s beautifully unaware of our fascination. All we know about the galaxy is it’s vast and powerful. Maybe it’s our way of saying to it, “please don’t hurt us”.

If you want to explore a Pluto full of life, go to Disneyland.  
                                                
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Stench Trench (aka Los Angeles River)

L.A. has flowing money, flowing people and flowing cars. Everything flows in this town, except the river.

We have the prettiest people and the ugliest river. Sacramento has more meth per capita than any city in California. And yet, they have an actual river. San Antonio is full of Texans, and they don’t have a stench trench.  On Saint Patrick’s Day Chicago dyes it’s river green. Apparently in Los Angeles, every day is Saint Patrick’s Day.  If you went fishing in the LA River, you’d be lucky to catch chlamydia.

A clean river would be a stopover for spring and fall migration of birds. That means money. Tourists could see a Great Blue Heron and Mickey Mouse in the same day.  

River front property is worth more than ditch front property.  I see birds in the LA river drinking toxic ooze. We worry about disease transferring from animals to humans.  Let’s stop being a toxic layover. 

Freeing the LA river would be less money than an average city spends preparing for the Olympics.  And instead of empty monoliths left behind, we’d have a river.

In Oahu they have green corridors between development to help absorb rainwater and prevent land slides. Same theory applies to lessening run off from the streets of LA into our river.  Turn useless asphalt into rainwater holding facilities. Engineers use electronics to regulate the flow of Colorado River water.  Why not in the most influential city on Earth? Film crews drive miles to get to an actual river.  We have one here. Our once proud river is used by Hollywood as a wet road for car chases.  Show business seems more interested in getting Hillary into the white house than increasing the quality of life for all Angelinos.  Taming a river isn’t a legacy.  Bringing it back is. Who will step up? 
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Nature's Gay

Some people believe that a gay lifestyle is unnatural.

As if there is no connection with nature. 

So what does nature tell us about the LGBT community?

In the African rainforest, scientists documented 

Bonobos having multiple male encounters. That’s with no electrolysis or Kenneth Cole shoes.

Even lions, the King of the Jungle, can be gay.

Which proves once again, where there’s a King there’s always a Queen.

Dragonflies have been gay for years. Their favorite TV show is “Sex in the Tsetse”.

Way before Caitlin were green algae and clown fish. Both of these species are transgender.  

Ants basically live in huge lesbian colonies. Lucky bastards. They’re not just lesbians. They’re lesbian ants that lift five times their body weight. Though I know a few of my lesbian friends who can as well.

Big horn sheep are gay. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible not to be gay with a horn on your head.

Dolphins are also smart enough to be gay. And no, I will not make a reference to it’s blow hole.

God made the Earth this way for a reason. So if it happens in the natural world than it’s by definition a form of divinity. It maybe the closest thing we have to communicating with god.

It’s annoyingly ironic since nature is always ignored.

Yet when needed, it’s treated as a supreme court.

Animal behavior is not dictated by shame, judgment or even self identity. It just feels good. And that to me is the most natural reason to do anything.

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Corporate Animals

Nature has value in advertising.  They use whales, tigers, lions, camels… all exploited by corporations.

That equals value. We all know in advertising there are

no accidents. Greed always does its homework. 

Advertisers hook electrodes to people while they watch pictures of sunsets, lakes and wild animals. Images that say, strong, free, wild, beautiful and fast.

That’s a whole lot of adjectives that cost advertisers nothing.

If a company puts hump back whales in ads, then they should be contributing money to their survival. Everyone else involved in production gets paid.  If your corporate logo is a cheetah, pay up. Putting a price tag on nature might be the only way corporations will see it’s value. You give nothing away. Why should nature?

  Corporations instead ask us for donation money. The guy behind the counter at Taco Bell asked If I’d donate to their “cause du jour”.  I’m in Taco Bell for a reason. It’s cheap.  Taco Bell is a squllion dollar subsidiary of a billion dollar franchise that’s owned by a consortium. And they want the guy ordering off the dollar menu to donate money. If I had money to donate I wouldn’t be eating at Taco Smell.

When a homeless guy asks for money it’s disgraceful. When Taco Bell asks for money it’s thoughtful. Corporate begging may look better than the homeless guy who hasn’t showered since 2008, but the smell lingers much longer.

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Randy by Nature

I love trees and gas guzzling muscle cars. That's why I drive the new Ford Hypocrite. It goes 0 to judgmental in 4.3 seconds.

 There has never been a comedy show based on eco topics. That’s why we continue to make episodes of Randy By Nature.  Because no one has ever done this, all the comedy is new frontier.

Explaining the idea of combining comedy and the environment got fatiguing. It was met with many blank stares. I decided it was time to stop telling and start showing. That’s how RBN started.

I’d like RBN to evolve into a 30 minute show that does for eco issues what the Daily Show does for politics. Ultimately branching out to use our fan base toward affecting change.

Creating jokes from planetary concerns gives us the ultimate license. The license to say and do anything necessary for laughs.  Including anti environmental comedy. We want to be equal opportunity.

I’ve hugged trees from the Arctic to the rainforests. My life has brought me to the Redwoods with tree sitters and I’ve given my two cents at wilderness hearings. I can’t repel off a bridge to hang a banner about clear cutting. Addressing envelopes at Green Peace has the same appeal. I could stand on the street corner with a different sign every week. But that’s not good for my back.

My best foot forward is Randy By Nature.

Nothing else makes any sense to me.  Watching documentaries about the planet tend to be disheartening. RBN is funny first, Earth second.

I’m hoping people will feel like activists just by watching.  I’m hoping you’ll learn new things without trying.  And in time I’m hoping our viewers become a power base for change.

 

I’d like viewers to send us videos about their local issues.  Eventually RBN will go all over the country and the world. There are endless stories, and just as much comedy.

The goal is to combine all the different ideas that work and put them into a 30 minute format per week. Maybe some brave network will take a chance. Maybe not. Either way I’m going to keep making them. Ready or not, here I come. 

 

 

by comedian @randykagan