Saturday, October 24, 2015

It's a Wonderful Death

Dear Humans,

This time of year always reminds me of how people misunderstand us. Halloween is one of the only times we zombies blend in. That, and the Republican Convention.

I understand it’s fun to dwell on the old stereotypical zombie. I think if people would try to get to know us, they would find we are not your parent’s zombies. We are optimistic and earth friendly.

Our days consist of decaying, rotting, shriveling, withering, and decomposing, and yet in spite of it all, we stay positive. Our motto is, “Life Starts at Death”. There aren’t TV shows, movies or magazines representing zombies in a good light. We aren’t like you, and it’s hard to relate to us. When a zombie child is spoiled, the meaning is very different.

Please take a little time to understand us. “Arrrrrgh” is just zombie for, “Would you like to hang out?”

We should focus on our similarities and not our differences. One thing we have in common is our environmental attitude. Humans are starting to “Go Green”. We have always been green.  Most of zombies are gangrene. You shop at Whole Foods. We sleep in dirt. Humans have compost piles. Zombies are compost piles.  It’s all for the good of the planet.

Most of us zombies are vegan. I’m vegan and gluten free. I only eat Vegans and I never eat glutes.

We both care about our carbon footprint. Zombies have the smallest carbon footprint, because a lot of us are missing feet. We don’t have footwear. We have a “foot, where?” Humans use Energy Star appliances. We only come out at night, which is the most energy efficient time to use electricity.

Humans are worried about the impacts of overpopulation. Zombies do not add to the population. We can’t reproduce. Though it doesn’t stop us from trying. When the moment’s right I take Die-Agra.

Climate change is causing droughts around the world. The good news is zombies do not waste water. The closest we come to bathing is during a meteor shower. I had a friend who showered once and all that was left were two fingers, and soap on a rope. The undead and the dead have a lot in common. It’s time to work together.

Remember, we were just like you.  And you will eventually be just like us. See you soon.

Your friend,
The Eco Zombie


No comments:

Post a Comment