Flying Puppies!

I never understood why batman is a hero, but bats are villains.

   In the entire animal kingdom bats are the only flying nipples. That alone should earn them respect.

   If any critter needs a publicist, it’s bats.  Of the 1,300 species of bats in the world, only three drink blood. If you asked 1,300 different people I bet more than three drink blood. 

   The vampire bat has a numbing enzyme in its saliva to help the animal it bites. That’s the kind of concern you’d never see from a vampire.  
 

 

   Bats nurse their young in flight. That’s beyond good parenting.  We never see Vampires at Chucky Cheese.

   Bats almost never say, “ I come to suck your blood”.  They don’t have a diabolical laugh: “Blaaahaaaahaa!” And bats aren’t one of the ingredients to a witches brew.

   They’re flying puppies that detect objects with complex sonar.  I can’t get my dog to bring back the ball.

    FACT: If we had numbing saliva, there’d be a lot less   

                PDA.

    FACT: You never see anyone in line at a garden

center buying a bag of Vampire guano.

    FACT: Bats are the main pollinator of agave, which is 

used to make tequila. Now who’s your buddy?

    FACT: I’ve never woke up and found the hood of my car

covered in bat poo.

    Bats are the most diverse group of mammals on Earth. That’s called success. It’s time to put an end to bat racism. 

Let’s stop bat-ism.

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Just Add Ice

 If oil and water don’t mix how do you think oil and ice are going to get along?

 Adding the oil industry to the Arctic is like adding pickles to a pizza.

The oil companies cannot get it right in warm still waters. They drill in Beautiful-ville where we vacation, and still spill.

 Take all the lies, poisonings and past disregard for the environment and just add ice. I don’t see it going well.

 The oil industry can’t be competent at 72° and breezy. How do you think they’ll handle business in sub zero weather? They create enormous disasters with their bare hands. The only difference is they will be wearing mittens and earmuffs.

 Once you drill, you can’t un-drill. And no, that’s not what she said.

  I live in LA. I would rather use less gasoline than have it come from thousands of miles away. If you want cheap oil that bad, then move to the Arctic. Long distance relationships don’t work.

 Some general advice: If the number one form of transportation is a snow mobile, don’t drill.  If you have to wear caribou to stay warm, don’t drill. If you need an ice axe on your tool belt, don’t drill.

 How much oil did the solar and wind industries spill just last year alone? Zero. Zero isn’t far from negative one. The ANWR argument is old and out dated. In the 20 years we’ve been arguing, dozens of cleaner options have emerged.  The definitive answer is getting off fossil fuels.  Yet we still talk about building more pipelines and an oil boom on Indian reservations. Nothing says high-tech millennial like the phrase “oil boom on Indian land.” Wow, the future is here.

 Thanks to Arctic oil drilling we have new snow cone flavors like Berry unleaded, Crude Oil Crunch, Peach Petrol and Diesel Delight.

 They want to ship the oil by railroad. I’m not a mathematician, but the more rail the more chances of derailments. The only products that should be moved by rail are non toxic merchandise like cotton candy, Q Tips or pillows. Maybe create an all fluffy ordinance for rail transport. No one will get upset if a train of teddy bears spills into a river.

 The other option is to send the oil by cargo ship. Transporting oil in water full of icebergs sounds like having a fleet of Titanics.

 The Arctic is the world’s last pristine area. The entire place is clean and bright white like a fairy tale.  Even the critters are white; Snow Shoe Hares, White Foxes, baby seals and Snowy Owls. Not to mention it’s where Santa lives. No one likes Frosty the oil soaked snowman.

 Oil companies pollute, destroy, corrupt, create wars, and are bringing us near the brink of atmospheric collapse. The last thing we want are all those ingredients in the Arctic.

 The only thing interesting about Alaska is that it’s clean. Trash Alaska and you may as well call it, Very North Dakota.

 They’re right about one thing- oil extraction in the arctic will create jobs. Jobs for lawyers, spin doctors, beach cleaners and Seal Scrubbers.


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Randy by Nature

I love trees and gas guzzling muscle cars. That's why I drive the new Ford Hypocrite. It goes 0 to judgmental in 4.3 seconds.

 There has never been a comedy show based on eco topics. That’s why we continue to make episodes of Randy By Nature.  Because no one has ever done this, all the comedy is new frontier.

Explaining the idea of combining comedy and the environment got fatiguing. It was met with many blank stares. I decided it was time to stop telling and start showing. That’s how RBN started.

I’d like RBN to evolve into a 30 minute show that does for eco issues what the Daily Show does for politics. Ultimately branching out to use our fan base toward affecting change.

Creating jokes from planetary concerns gives us the ultimate license. The license to say and do anything necessary for laughs.  Including anti environmental comedy. We want to be equal opportunity.

I’ve hugged trees from the Arctic to the rainforests. My life has brought me to the Redwoods with tree sitters and I’ve given my two cents at wilderness hearings. I can’t repel off a bridge to hang a banner about clear cutting. Addressing envelopes at Green Peace has the same appeal. I could stand on the street corner with a different sign every week. But that’s not good for my back.

My best foot forward is Randy By Nature.

Nothing else makes any sense to me.  Watching documentaries about the planet tend to be disheartening. RBN is funny first, Earth second.

I’m hoping people will feel like activists just by watching.  I’m hoping you’ll learn new things without trying.  And in time I’m hoping our viewers become a power base for change.

 

I’d like viewers to send us videos about their local issues.  Eventually RBN will go all over the country and the world. There are endless stories, and just as much comedy.

The goal is to combine all the different ideas that work and put them into a 30 minute format per week. Maybe some brave network will take a chance. Maybe not. Either way I’m going to keep making them. Ready or not, here I come. 

 

 

by comedian @randykagan