Galactic Geeks

It took ten years and 750 million dollars for NASA to not land on Pluto. They flew almost 10,000 miles from the Dwarf Planet. Sorry, they don’t like being called dwarf planets. The proper term is “spherically challenged planet”. Dwarf Star is more of a description for Tom Cruise.

The mission was called New Horizons. It sounds like a brand of margarine. This craft just flew right by Pluto. For $750 million, New Horizons should have landed then built a food court.

$750 million to almost get to an almost planet. With $750 million we could have converted a North Dakota into a mall. $750 million dollars is a week at Disneyland or 17 trips to Whole Foods.

What they found on Pluto:

Plains.  Which include clusters of smooth hills and fields of pits. “Scientists now have a closer look at Pluto’s splotches.”

I’m not a scientist, but I know splotches are in the same family as blotches. These are Ph.D’s using scientific terms like dark splotches.

If you want to discover dark splotches visit a retirement home.

Imagine if NASA found a fly on Pluto. The same thing that lands on poo. It would be the biggest discovery in the history of space exploration. A fly. But we haven’t gotten to that point. We haven’t discovered a fly. The amount of living matter we’ve discovered in space weighs a lot less than a fly.

If there’s life out there you best stay hidden.

The NASA publicists are running out of adjectives for the same things. “This will provide insight into the beginnings of the solar system and raw material for new mysteries that astronomers will ponder for years.”

NASA is constantly rediscovering vagueness.

They are desperate for us to stay connected to the fantasy.  Some genius in PR came up with the idea of a heart shaped ice splotch. Now we spend $750 million to treat a planet like a Rorschach test. The splotch is heart shaped.

We have a heart and Pluto has a heart. Wow. I just got a pee shiver.

 “Vast frozen plains exist next to Pluto's big, rugged mountains sculpted of ice,” NASA wrote.

“Big, rugged and sculpted.” Sounds like they discovered Dwayne Johnson.

"Have a look at the icy frozen plains of Pluto," principal scientist Alan Stern said during a briefing at NASA headquarters.

 

 "Who would have expected this kind of complexity?"

 

A NASA doctor finds ice to be complex. Hey doc, avoid snow, your head will explode.

Space dorks are fascinated by the unlikely chance of life in a vast expanse of lifelessness.

"I'm still having to remind myself to take deep breaths," added Jeff Moore, head of the New Horizons geology team at NASA's Ames Research Center in California. "I mean, the landscape is just astoundingly amazing."

Wow.  The last date this guy had was with a rubrics cube. They’re still together.

It seems they have replaced the lack of romance in their lives with a love for space. Finding the same thing over and over again is the opposite of life. That must be comforting to some people. No social pressures. Just a theoretical existence.

 

At best, the universe we can see is a work in progress. And we are -by far- its finest creation.

Space has no romance. It’s beautifully unaware of our fascination. All we know about the galaxy is it’s vast and powerful. Maybe it’s our way of saying to it, “please don’t hurt us”.

If you want to explore a Pluto full of life, go to Disneyland.  
                                                
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Cyclists

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Cycling shorts have redefined the word “wedgie”. These are extreme, millennial wedgies. They used to be a strictly vertical phenomenon, but not anymore.

In theory they should be in shape. But I’ve seen homeless dudes with recycling on their handlebars in better shape.  And they chain-smoke camels. I don’t mean the cigarettes.

I’m not a cyclist. I’m a bike rider. There’s a difference. The only gear I need is a bike and a destination. Unlike a cyclist, none of my daily activities includes my butt in other people’s faces.

They’re wearing Italian made breathable bike shorts. If your biking so long that your shorts are out of breath, slow down. And have a snack.

I’ve seen them spend more time putting on their gear than shifting them.  

They have special cycling shoes. The purpose of cycling shoes is to bolt their feet down to the bike. Last I checked bikes have built in footwear called pedals. It’s like they’re hostages and can’t get off until someone pays the ransom. And they are twice as annoying when they get off their bicycle: they walk around making clacking noises in their cycle cleats.

Incoming lecture: When you get on a bike, have a purpose. Bike to work, the store, or the gym.  That equals less congestion and smog. Rolling packs of wedgies only make things worse.  Cyclists always end where they started. Maybe it’s time to avoid the middleman. Just stay home and ride a stationary bike.