I’ve heard you are looking into safer drilling methods. Why don’t you just paint your tankers pink and drop daisies around?
The best expert on spills is me. I’m an Otter Scrubber. I’ve been scrubbin’ critters after spills for years. I’ve scrubbed sea otters, marmots, and three of the Kardashian girls.
I’m tired of these greasy haired millennials with man-boobs and tattooed ankles telling us how bad oil is. I don’t need no Skrillex followin’, pill poppin’ ravers with glow sticks in their girls pants telling me how to live my life! Neither do you.
This poser-fest does not realize that oil spills are part of the food chain. I Googled it. Oil is made up of fossilized organic material. That’s fancy for "very old dead plants and critters". Hmmm. That sounds natural to me. What good is dead stuff in the ground?
Squeezing oil from the planet is like milking mother Earth. Just like a mom needs to breast feed to feel more comfortable. There ain’t nothin’ more natural than breast feedin’. Believe me, I did it all through high school.
National media doesn’t give a beetle’s bunghole about the ocean until someone gets bit by a shark, or there’s an oil spill. On its best day, the ocean is more salty water than we need. It’s closer to a large bowl of Miso soup than a habitat. If it weren’t for oil, the ocean wouldn’t get any press at all.
To BP: If you plan on these Gulf hippies running your business, then make the total commitment and change BP to "BABY PANTS".
To Shell: Your companies’ name is Shell. You belong in the ocean. Stop letting these Bernie-Sanders-lovin’, Arctic-bunny-bangers tell you what to do.
Sincerely,
The Otter Scrubber
PS. Follow me on Insta-otter-gram, Furry Facebook, and www.ImAnOtterScrubberItsWhatIDo.com
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