Cycling shorts have redefined the word “wedgie”. These are extreme, millennial wedgies.
They used to be a strictly vertical phenomenon, but not anymore.
In
theory they should be in shape. But I’ve seen homeless dudes with recycling on
their handlebars in better shape.
And they chain-smoke camels. I don’t mean the cigarettes.
I’m
not a cyclist. I’m a bike rider. There’s a difference. The only gear I need is
a bike and a destination. Unlike a cyclist, none of my daily activities
includes my butt in other people’s faces.
They’re
wearing Italian made breathable bike
shorts. If your biking so long that your shorts are out of breath, slow down. And
have a snack.
I’ve
seen them spend more time putting on their gear than shifting them.
They
have special cycling shoes. The purpose of cycling shoes is to bolt their feet down to the bike. Last I checked bikes have built in footwear called pedals. It’s
like they’re hostages and can’t get off until someone pays the ransom. And they
are twice as annoying when they get off their bicycle: they walk around making
clacking noises in their cycle cleats.
Incoming
lecture: When you get on a bike, have a purpose. Bike to work, the store, or
the gym. That equals less congestion and
smog. Rolling packs of wedgies only make things worse. Cyclists always end where they started. Maybe
it’s time to avoid the middleman. Just stay home and ride a stationary
bike.
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