Cyclists

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Cycling shorts have redefined the word “wedgie”. These are extreme, millennial wedgies. They used to be a strictly vertical phenomenon, but not anymore.

In theory they should be in shape. But I’ve seen homeless dudes with recycling on their handlebars in better shape.  And they chain-smoke camels. I don’t mean the cigarettes.

I’m not a cyclist. I’m a bike rider. There’s a difference. The only gear I need is a bike and a destination. Unlike a cyclist, none of my daily activities includes my butt in other people’s faces.

They’re wearing Italian made breathable bike shorts. If your biking so long that your shorts are out of breath, slow down. And have a snack.

I’ve seen them spend more time putting on their gear than shifting them.  

They have special cycling shoes. The purpose of cycling shoes is to bolt their feet down to the bike. Last I checked bikes have built in footwear called pedals. It’s like they’re hostages and can’t get off until someone pays the ransom. And they are twice as annoying when they get off their bicycle: they walk around making clacking noises in their cycle cleats.

Incoming lecture: When you get on a bike, have a purpose. Bike to work, the store, or the gym.  That equals less congestion and smog. Rolling packs of wedgies only make things worse.  Cyclists always end where they started. Maybe it’s time to avoid the middleman. Just stay home and ride a stationary bike.    

Stench Trench (aka Los Angeles River)

L.A. has flowing money, flowing people and flowing cars. Everything flows in this town, except the river.

We have the prettiest people and the ugliest river. Sacramento has more meth per capita than any city in California. And yet, they have an actual river. San Antonio is full of Texans, and they don’t have a stench trench.  On Saint Patrick’s Day Chicago dyes it’s river green. Apparently in Los Angeles, every day is Saint Patrick’s Day.  If you went fishing in the LA River, you’d be lucky to catch chlamydia.

A clean river would be a stopover for spring and fall migration of birds. That means money. Tourists could see a Great Blue Heron and Mickey Mouse in the same day.  

River front property is worth more than ditch front property.  I see birds in the LA river drinking toxic ooze. We worry about disease transferring from animals to humans.  Let’s stop being a toxic layover. 

Freeing the LA river would be less money than an average city spends preparing for the Olympics.  And instead of empty monoliths left behind, we’d have a river.

In Oahu they have green corridors between development to help absorb rainwater and prevent land slides. Same theory applies to lessening run off from the streets of LA into our river.  Turn useless asphalt into rainwater holding facilities. Engineers use electronics to regulate the flow of Colorado River water.  Why not in the most influential city on Earth? Film crews drive miles to get to an actual river.  We have one here. Our once proud river is used by Hollywood as a wet road for car chases.  Show business seems more interested in getting Hillary into the white house than increasing the quality of life for all Angelinos.  Taming a river isn’t a legacy.  Bringing it back is. Who will step up? 
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Water in the Wild

A short documentary on bottled water behavior. (2015)
Directed by Kimberly Kagan
Written and voiced by Randy Kagan
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Nature's Gay

Some people believe that a gay lifestyle is unnatural.

As if there is no connection with nature. 

So what does nature tell us about the LGBT community?

In the African rainforest, scientists documented 

Bonobos having multiple male encounters. That’s with no electrolysis or Kenneth Cole shoes.

Even lions, the King of the Jungle, can be gay.

Which proves once again, where there’s a King there’s always a Queen.

Dragonflies have been gay for years. Their favorite TV show is “Sex in the Tsetse”.

Way before Caitlin were green algae and clown fish. Both of these species are transgender.  

Ants basically live in huge lesbian colonies. Lucky bastards. They’re not just lesbians. They’re lesbian ants that lift five times their body weight. Though I know a few of my lesbian friends who can as well.

Big horn sheep are gay. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible not to be gay with a horn on your head.

Dolphins are also smart enough to be gay. And no, I will not make a reference to it’s blow hole.

God made the Earth this way for a reason. So if it happens in the natural world than it’s by definition a form of divinity. It maybe the closest thing we have to communicating with god.

It’s annoyingly ironic since nature is always ignored.

Yet when needed, it’s treated as a supreme court.

Animal behavior is not dictated by shame, judgment or even self identity. It just feels good. And that to me is the most natural reason to do anything.

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Corporate Animals

Nature has value in advertising.  They use whales, tigers, lions, camels… all exploited by corporations.

That equals value. We all know in advertising there are

no accidents. Greed always does its homework. 

Advertisers hook electrodes to people while they watch pictures of sunsets, lakes and wild animals. Images that say, strong, free, wild, beautiful and fast.

That’s a whole lot of adjectives that cost advertisers nothing.

If a company puts hump back whales in ads, then they should be contributing money to their survival. Everyone else involved in production gets paid.  If your corporate logo is a cheetah, pay up. Putting a price tag on nature might be the only way corporations will see it’s value. You give nothing away. Why should nature?

  Corporations instead ask us for donation money. The guy behind the counter at Taco Bell asked If I’d donate to their “cause du jour”.  I’m in Taco Bell for a reason. It’s cheap.  Taco Bell is a squllion dollar subsidiary of a billion dollar franchise that’s owned by a consortium. And they want the guy ordering off the dollar menu to donate money. If I had money to donate I wouldn’t be eating at Taco Smell.

When a homeless guy asks for money it’s disgraceful. When Taco Bell asks for money it’s thoughtful. Corporate begging may look better than the homeless guy who hasn’t showered since 2008, but the smell lingers much longer.

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Flying Puppies!

I never understood why batman is a hero, but bats are villains.

   In the entire animal kingdom bats are the only flying nipples. That alone should earn them respect.

   If any critter needs a publicist, it’s bats.  Of the 1,300 species of bats in the world, only three drink blood. If you asked 1,300 different people I bet more than three drink blood. 

   The vampire bat has a numbing enzyme in its saliva to help the animal it bites. That’s the kind of concern you’d never see from a vampire.  
 

 

   Bats nurse their young in flight. That’s beyond good parenting.  We never see Vampires at Chucky Cheese.

   Bats almost never say, “ I come to suck your blood”.  They don’t have a diabolical laugh: “Blaaahaaaahaa!” And bats aren’t one of the ingredients to a witches brew.

   They’re flying puppies that detect objects with complex sonar.  I can’t get my dog to bring back the ball.

    FACT: If we had numbing saliva, there’d be a lot less   

                PDA.

    FACT: You never see anyone in line at a garden

center buying a bag of Vampire guano.

    FACT: Bats are the main pollinator of agave, which is 

used to make tequila. Now who’s your buddy?

    FACT: I’ve never woke up and found the hood of my car

covered in bat poo.

    Bats are the most diverse group of mammals on Earth. That’s called success. It’s time to put an end to bat racism. 

Let’s stop bat-ism.

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